My wall

I realized recently that my weight is ruining my life. I am a lot more adventurous then my weight allows me to be. I would like to try sky diving. Why don't I? Cause I have a fear that I am so fat that trying sky diving will insure I will die doing it. In all honesty that doesn't even make sense I know but still that just the raw truth of it. I also would like to go snow boarding but why don't I? Cause I feel like if I do go snowboarding then I will definitely break something. Not rational I know but still again the raw truth of it.

So in conclusion I need to take back control........

Life

I sit here and reflect on the life of my Grandfather. He was an awesome man. I am very grateful to have been able to call him grandpa. He went to be with the Lord today Dec 15, 2010 at 2:47 pm. I had the honor of being by his side with some of my family when he took his last breath. Since then I have been thinking of all the memories I have of him. 33 years of them. I remember as a child we went to their house every Friday night for dinner. After dinner all the dishes would be cleaned up but grandma always left grandpas glass of tea on the table. I always would walk thru and drink that tea. I remember grandpa loved to fish. At his house in Fresno he would someone times keep minnows that he would fish with. Now we had a fish tank at home but for some reason the minnows he kept in the metal sink out by the shed were so fascinating to me! Every summer I enjoyed all the vegetables he would grow in his garden. He was such a gentle, loving, kind man. He would do anything for you. I was greatful for the last couple of weeks he had on this earth. I was able to take care of him and give back to him. One of the last days we had of him talking I was feeding him his dinner. I could tell he saw something fly thru the air and asked him about it. He told me he saw angels flying thry the air. Now he had been joking with us for weeks so I asked him if he was joking. He turned to me with a scowl on his face and told me no he was not joking and if I didnt see them then there was something wrong with me! It was such a special time with him. To know that he saw angels. What a site that must have been. I am glad he had that comfort. I will never forget him.

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Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to kill myself with food

Am I good enough

I wish I could find that spot in my brain that tells me I am not good enough. That spot that says I always screw things up. That place inside the vast depth of my subconscious that speaks to me all day long of all things negative. The spot that says to me everyone is going to leave me cause I am going to do something wrong. The spot that tells me everything is my fault and no one will ever forgive me. Is there really hope to get rid of this place? I try to think positive. I try to be positive. But behind the smile, behind the giving person, behind everything I feel like I am nothing. I feel like everyone leaves me. To the point where when I discipline my dogs at all I instantly expect them to shun me and never come near me again. Where does this come from? Why is this here? Can I turn this around........

The feeling of all alone....

Some times I feel so alone in this world. Like no one truely understands me and who I am. Least of all my family. Like I am an alien in the world. Like I am t0o harsh to thrive. Like people see this outside shell and think they know me or know whats best for me or that they dont think I know anything. But on the inside there is this world. My own private world which at times is my own private hell. This place full of pain. Full of self loathing. Full of failure. But at the same time a place filled with love for myself and an understanding of why I am who I am and why I do the things I do. A place the no one else has access to. A place that I don't want anyone to be able to see. Sometimes I am ashamed of this place. A place that is sooo full and yet sometimes feels like an empty black hole inside myself. A place that I feel like can be described in so many different ways.

I miss my mom. I miss the times we shared. I miss what I would have learned from her if she had lived. I feel like she would of given me a better understanding of who I am. Like looking in a mirror of myself for the future. I dont know anymore. The waves are churning in the place.I can choose to let them take me under or I can choose to swim out them and never look back.



I choose to swim!

An ache

I feel sometimes like I have been forgotten. Forgotten by God. Yes I know he never forgets us and I know hes always there and he does whats best for us but still. In the bible it says that God gives you the desires of your heart. You can take that two different ways. First is that what ever your heart desires God gives it to you or second that the very desire you have is a desire that God gave you. I think its more the second. So whats my desire?

To have a family. To have a husband and to have children of my own. I love kids, I love being around them but I want my own. Recently a friend of mine has started fostering a baby boy. I would love to do that. But I think a child needs to be brought into a whole home. One with a father and a mother not just a mother. So why do I have these desires? Why are they there if God didn't put them there? I an so frustrated at times I want to scream!!! NO one ever approaches me, no one asks me out, SHOOT no one even LOOKS my way!!!! How will I ever find someone and have a family if this is my life. I am 32 and the clock is ticking.

So its becomes and ache. An ache to have a family and ache to fulfill a desire. And the same stupid question comes to mind.....Whens it my turn God? When?

How bad do I want this?

This is a question that is going thru my head. How bad do I want to get healthy? How bad do I want to lose weight? How bad do I want to go snow boarding? How bad do I want it? I have went to a nutritionist. Paid $200 in fact but have I stopped eating like I do. A little! A little?!?!? I paid $200 and all i changed my habits so far is a little?!?!?!? So stupid!! I waste money. I waste time. I waste life. How bad do I want it? I want it and I am going to do it! I will I will I will I will!!!!