Never ask God "How much more I can take?"

Last week felt like it was years long. God is bringing up some stuff in me and I am dealing with it all the best I can with God as my guide. Then Friday I just felt literally drained of everything! I almost felt like I couldn't move. So I asked God...How much more of this can I take? WRONG question to ask.

I now have no job.

BUT the best part about that is....I feel so calm in the midst of this that I know that I know that I know that God is right here beside me. That this is part of his plan. That that job was getting the point that it was tearing me up just to get there. (basically they acted like I didn't exist!) So no I am not making money but I am blessed! I am blessed that I have a father in heaven who loves me more then anything else. I am blessed that I AM in the will of God!

So who ever sees this...Please pray that I will find a new job fast....Or at least that I will understand where God is pointing me!

Depression

At times I feel it all around me. At times it feels like a fog. At times I hear it knocking at my door laughing at me. I try to fight. I call upon God but did I do it right? Did God hear me or am I simply giving the depression more ammo to fire at me? No I have never been clinically (what's the word) proven or whatever oh ya diagnosed but I know its there. I know its there when all I do is cry all day. I know its there when all I want to do is sleep the day away. I know it there when I feel completely numb inside. I know its there when I cant think or function I just cry. But then I remember the song by Audio A " I've been beat up, I've been broken down, no where but up when your face down on the ground" Am I face down yet? Can I get any lower then this? Can it possibly hurt any more? All I know is I need God....


God I need you today right now this second. I need your Spirit to come in like a flood. I need you to over take me. I need you to heal the wounds. I need your prospective. I NEED YOU LORD!

I am afraid

Fears:

1. I am afraid no one will ever love me enough to actually want to marry me and have children with me

2. I am afraid that I am to stupid to succeed at anything.

3. I am always afraid I am going to get fired.

4. I am afraid I will always live check to check.

5. I am afraid I will always mess things up when I get invovled in them

6. I am afraid everyone will always leave me cause I did something.

7. I am afraid I will never be healthy

8. I am afraid I always let God down.

9. I am afraid of never truly being understood.

10. I am afraid that I will never truly change someone life to follow Christ...That I will always mess my witness up.

11. I am afraid God has forgotten me.

12. I am afraid/terrified of speaking in front of a crowd and yet in the depths of my spirit I know some day God is gonna have me preach.

13. I am afraid of never being good enough.

14. I have a fear of always being alone.

Cleansing......

So I started cleansing streams this week. The first session was really just about what to expect and all. Got videos to watch...A big work book to go thru and TONS of reading. I am sooo excited. I have known for a while that God wanted me to do this class it just hasn't ever been at a church I felt comfortable in. NOW its at my church woo hoo. I have this GREAT expectation of what the Lord is gonna do in me. But at the same time I haven't even started the reading *gasp* I really hope I don't procrastinate like I normally do. I want to get all out it that I can. I want to walk away from this class and KNOW that I am different and its nothing I did but it was solely the work of the LORD. Its what I should be doing right now is reading and actually I plan on it tonight!